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Let me begin by apologizing for my prolonged and unannounced sabbatical from the site. I have seen the impact my absence has had on our viewers and it burdens me to know how much I mean to everyone reading. With that being said, I accept the challenge and responsibility of being a leader among my peers and I am here to say to my loyal followers that I am back, so liquidate your measly 401Ks, stop contributing to your children's college funds, cancel your wives credit cards and get ready to make some money.

Before I provide you with insight that I have collected through methods incomprehensible to even the most renowned NFL analyst's, I first have to address the ugly rumors have been circulating about the reasons for my leave. A lot of people are saying that "He had chlamydia again" or "He's been questioning if he is truly heterosexual" or "He's addicted to watching VR porn on his brothers Oculus". All of these statements, and countless others, are erroneous. I'll have you know that I have been dealing with an ingrown hair on my shaft, which has resulted in a red bump that keeps filling with blood and puss. Unsurprisingly, this has had a negative impact on my ability to perform sexually, spiraling me into an alcoholic bender.

Now, where were we...oh yes my unconventional and incredibly effective methods. Let's dive in. This week I will be using historical statistics to determine undiscovered value on the board. The two statistics have the highest correlation with wins among recent years have been turnover margin and offensive efficiency. These numbers suggest the following outcomes:

- The Vikings will cover at +4 against the 49ers

- The Rams will win ML against the Packers

For the night game, I had to take into account the negative momentum of the Ravens that has been caused by the absence of Lamar Jackson. So although the Browns seem superior on paper for the year, the Ravens stats with their starting QB suggests they should win this Division battle and cover the -3.0 points.

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